Road Blocks: Ignorance, Faith & Self Doubt

Self doubt

“But persons who possess neither faith nor knowledge, and who are of a doubting nature, suffer a downfall. For the skeptical souls, there is no happiness either in this world or the next.” Bhagavad Gita 4.40

It occurred to me after speaking with several people this week including my dearest friend, indeed most marriages don’t last as long as our friendship, that there are many out there that believe they are complete fakers, frauds and they really don’t have that special something that would bring value to this world. In truth they are suffering because they are blocked by one of the biggest trees in the road, self doubt! It is almost like they see themselves all distorted like the images at one of those warped mirrors on the midway.

According to the Bhagavad Gita, a insightful epic, that dates back to the second century BCE, there are three main obstacles on our path to self-realization: ignorance, lack of faith and constant doubting. So where does this come from and why can’t everyone see what others see? Why are the most talented, most compassionate, most amazing people I know have a chronic case of Imposter Syndrome? I can only speak for myself by saying that I have struggled with this affliction for most of my life and it stems from a real belief that I was powerless and simply not good enough. When I did accomplish something, it was purely dumb luck, or somebody was taking pity on me. After a while I just stopped trying to be anything in particular and went with the flow.  I can tell you that was a huge mistake.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:38.

It wasn’t until I started my spiritual journey in 2009 that things started turning around a bit. I gradually learned that God has been with me all along and lives in my heart, my breath, and every cell in my body. God is also in the people I love, my furrkids and all the beings of Mother Earth.  Even in my darkest moments, goodness only knows I have plenty of those, I am still in the very capable hands of spirit. I have been given this form to walk around with for one lifetime in and I want to spend the rest of it doing the work I know I was brought into this world to do.  That is where the sometimes seemingly difficult part comes in. In 2018 I stepped out of a life that wasn’t in line with my purpose and onto the far less secure path that is. I was planning on leaving on my own terms, but divine intervention stepped in and it happened sooner than expected.

To be completely transparent, I still struggle with my faith because I am fearful that this will all go away. Intellectually I know everything goes away, nothing is permanent, so in a way this fear is just sapping my energy, but I still fall into that rut.  The way out of the rut and the way I move that tree out of the road is through meditation, study, movement, reaching out to others, prayer and self-care. That is how I strengthen my faith and recognize both the darkness and the light and love each and every part of me.

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